Because He Mattered

Thursday

04-19-2012

I had a good day…sort of. Nights are still rough, I still miss him. I miss our routine that we had of getting home from picking him up. I miss having two parents saying goodnight to Kaizen the most. Kaizen looks confused when we bring our arms together to show how much I love him, as if realizing his Dad’s absence. I miss that feeling of togetherness, but I know I am enough for Kaizen, I just wish things were different. I wish I had more guts to say that I never would want him back, that he is complete and utter toxic, but I know I would be lying. He isn’t a monster; he wasn’t horrible all the time…just sometimes. I wish I could focus on how much I didn’t feel whole with him…instead I pay attention to the little things that are missing right now. The dishes left from his washing, the hot sauce in the fridge, his things still in the house, his side of the bed that has his pillow, and most of all….Chris. I miss him, even though what he did was horrible, scary, wrong, and mean. I miss holding his hand. I miss seeing him smile (although lately it was not very often). I miss our DS9 nights. I miss his egg sandwich making. I miss taking him to work.  I miss our family being whole. I miss that the most. I was so proud of us for being a 4 piece unit. I was looking forward to a full and adventurous summer with his morning shift starting. I am typing with tears skewing my vision…I am filled with pain, and bitter loneliness. Anger and frustration with what became a fight that stemmed from Alfredo sauce…How silly, how immature, how discouraging to know that we weren’t strong enough to get past it…Why couldn’t we just kiss and make-up? Why couldn’t Chris talk with me lovingly? Why couldn’t I just accept the fact that he wanted to sleep early? I yearn to be heard (but what else is new?) I wish we could have found the counselor behind the Blazy Mall before things hit the fan once more. I want a 108^th chance to make our life whole, but I know that is a stretch. I know we are an effort together. I was willing to make the effort…I think I lost the way…I think we both did. I wanted so much to get a home together this year, to possibly be married next year, to find a common ground, to have our own special ground between us. I was hoping he’d look at me lovingly while I drove him places, just once, but it never shown. I know his frustrations with not driving, with the cloud of my “Alicia talk” over his head, with my “nagging” ways…of trying to help, were not….helping anything. I wanted to love him dearly….undeniably, forever. Right now, this moment, this night…I still feel like a death has happen…this is because any future that I had in my mind for myself, my babies, and Chris is now dead. Any plans that I sought out for the 4 of us is no more…but not just no more…a slaying has occurred, it is like death-eater has looked at the future I once held in my heart for us, and sucked the heart, the life, the enjoyment out. I know we will survive, I know I will continue to be the best mom I can for Kaizen and Wren, but I also know that in the back of my mind there will always be a sliver of hope that someday I can mend the floor that have fallen so, so far down beneath us.

“Holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.”  - Unknown.